Some Tommy Cooper jokes

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass  of Home’
‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  ‘
‘Is it common?’
‘It’s not  unusual.’

A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?’
‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look  at him’
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What?  Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s  really heavy’

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure,  you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for  it..’

Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it’s Colin.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt  my arm in several places’
The doctor said,  ‘Well don’t go there  anymore’

Ireland ‘s  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night